Debbie Miller felt like she didn’t have a choice when she got an abortion. For a period of her life, the trauma of getting one made it impossible for her to even remember that she had received one. When she did remember it, during a retreat at her parish, she asked God to help her understand how she, like many women, couldn’t remember and how to help women who had similar experiences.
She began praying at abortion facilities and trying to help women.
“I didn’t want women to go through what I went through,” Miller said.
She met pro-life people who helped her understand why women decide to receive abortions and she became active in her parish’s pro-life ministry. God didn’t want her to stop there, however, according to Miller. Her spiritual director, a Franciscan sister, encouraged her to become the leader of the parish’s pro-life movement and to ask God for “confirmations” of what else He wanted.
She received three confirmations that God wanted her to become involved in post-abortion ministry, which she was unfamiliar with.
“I didn’t know what to do with it because I’m not a therapist, I’m not a counselor. I’m just a layperson who experienced an abortion, but also experienced God’s mercy,” Miller said.
She prayed for help in understanding what she was supposed to do, and, in 1998, a friend in England helped her begin the ministry Healing Hidden Hurts.
Miller said she believes that God and Our Lady lead women across the US to call her for help, which she can do long-distance, while living in Indiana.
“This is their ministry,” she noted in an interview on July 19, at the National Eucharistic Congress. “I’m just doing my part.”
Miller leads women, one on one, in completing a therapeutic, spiritual, Christ-centered guidebook. With Catholic women, she includes discussions of the Catholic faith, such as the sacraments. With women from other Christian denominations, they focus more on the Scriptures and she encourages them to practice their faith.
The program involves 10 steps.
1. Pre-pregnancy
Miller and the woman discuss the relationship with the father of the child, including how they met, how long they had known each other, and whether the relationship was abusive or loving.
2. The pregnancy
The women discuss how the pregnancy occurred and how the pregnancy went.
3. The abortion decision
The women discuss the woman’s and the man’s involvement in the decision to have the abortion. Was the woman pressured to have the abortion? Did the father know she was going to have an abortion?
4. The day and night of the abortion
The women discuss what happened the day and night of the abortion, whether anyone went with the woman to the clinic and whether anyone stayed with her after the abortion.
“Did she have any kind of support? Did anybody care? What was it like while she was at the center? Were they respectful to her? How did they treat her?” Miller said.
If the woman has had more than one abortion, the women discuss which abortion was most traumatic, Miller explained.
“Sometimes it’s the first one, but sometimes it’s the one that she really loved,” she said. “If there was a man that she was really in love with and then he dumps her after this pregnancy and maybe pressures her to have an abortion, that’s going to be more traumatic than somebody that she’s just hooked up with and she’s not really thinking about that person or cares about that person.”
5. The accommodation
Miller and the woman discuss how the abortion has affected her life, her relationships, her work and her thoughts.
According to Miller, after an abortion, a couple usually breaks up within six months, but sometimes they will marry, despite the hurt of abortion.
Sometimes abortion impacts other relationships, too, she noted. The woman may avoid spending time with her family because she is afraid that they will see she is suffering and will want to understand why, and the woman isn’t ready to explain.
6. The hurts
Miller and the woman discuss how the father of the child, relatives or friends treated the woman when they found out about the pregnancy.
7. Anger
The women talk about how the woman is handling her anger and whether she is dealing with depression, self-loathing or risky behavior.
“When we’re hurt, we usually respond with anger,” Miller noted.
8. Forgiveness
“We take what we’ve learned about her hurts and her anger, and we take those things to a covenant of prayer of forgiveness,” Miller said.
It’s an in-depth process and involves forgiving anyone who was involved in the abortion, according to Miller.
“Because she’s able to talk about it, she’s able to see things that she wouldn’t have discovered if she was on her own,” she said.
Miller said that Step 8 involves great healing
“The biggest obstacle to post-abortion (recovery) is a woman being able to forgive herself,” Miller noted. “She could forgive an abusive spouse, abusive boyfriend, abusive parents. I mean, she can live through hell and forgive everyone else, but she can’t forgive herself for giving into this and having an abortion.”
9. The baby
Toward the beginning of post-abortion healing, it is difficult for women to think about the baby, Miller said. In this step, the woman honors the baby by giving them a name. Women will often know, through their intuition, what gender the baby was.
“We believe that these children are with God in some way we don’t understand, but we believe they are safe with a loving God,” Miller remarked. “And we also believe as Catholics that there’s a possibility we can be reunited with them in the next life if we can get there.”
Miller noted that knowing that the child is with God, and is an intercessor in heaven for their family, is a very healing step for women to make.
10. Going on with God
Miller said that the women talk about what the woman believes God is calling her to do to serve others, which depends on her state in life, and how to do that.
The women meet weekly and the woman Miller is serving has to prayerfully commit to the 10 steps before they begin the program. The program may take up to four months for a woman who has only had one pregnancy loss. Meetings involve a lot of prayer, and the woman completes homework between meetings. Miller is able to work around the woman’s schedule.
“I get to watch God work in the lives of these women up close and personal and it’s so beautiful,” said Miller, who noted that she’s helped between six and 10 women each year since the ministry began.
Miller said that she would appreciate help from people who are willing to donate, provide volunteer support with marketing, or get the word out to women who may need help. After the reversal of Roe v. Wade, calls for help have decreased, and she’s not sure why.
“If a woman is comfortable enough to tell somebody that she’s had an abortion, she’s at a point where she’s ready to start healing,” Miller said.
Donations can be made via the ministry’s website, www.healinghiddenhurts.org
